Editor’s note: This commentary is by Bob Stannard, a former lobbyist, who is still an author and musician. This piece first appeared in the Bennington Banner.
[T]wo gents who more than qualify as members of the 0.01% of the nation’s wealthiest are sitting in the library of one of their mansions sipping Henri IV Dudognon Heritage Cognac ($2 million/bottle) and talking about the state of things. We’ll call them Coke and Shelly.
Coke: The year is drawing to a close. It wasn’t such a bad year was it, Shelly?
Shelly: Oh heavens no. We were quite successful in buying the Senate, which, when you think about it, came rather cheaply don’t you think?
Coke: A few hundred million to own a government worth billions; are you kidding? It’s a much better deal than oil. (laughs)
Shelly: I would like to propose a toast to our boys’ marketing campaign. They’ve done a marvelous job of making Obama radioactive. Wasn’t it breathtaking to watch as the Democrats ran away from him like he had Ebola? (hearty laughter)
Coke: Speaking of Ebola; mercy, what another great scam we pulled on those moron voters. We actually convinced them that Ebola was Obama’s fault!
Shelly: Little more of this delicious Henri IV and I’m not sure I’ll be able to say “Obama” and “Ebola” together. (much laughter) Yes, that was icing on the cake. We sure scared them silly. (Shelly takes another sip) How many shots in a fifth, Coke?
Coke: Seventeen. Why?
Shelly: (thinking hard) This Cognac works out to about $188k/shot. How much is that per sip? (laughs)
Coke: Good question. Let’s see; one shot equals 24 Pell grants. Depending on the size of the sip maybe four or five Pells. (BIG laughter) You know it’s incredible to think that this president has been responsible for doubling the stock market (along with our personal wealth I might add) and yet we artfully painted him as the boogie man. Oops. Better be careful what I say or you might play the race card, Shelly. (both laugh at this)
There is this one clown who nearly blew it. Some guy named Gruber. Remind me to tell our ops to start referring to him as “Goober.”
Shelly: In a scant six years we were able to transform a very popular president into a pariah. Isn’t it wonderful to control the #1 cable news show that’s not even a news show?
Coke: Oh, agreed. It’s amazing to think that those dolts out there never made a bigger deal out of our wonderful, albeit slightly evil, Republican operative, Roger-what-Ailes-you, heading up a news organization. Wouldn’t you have thought they would have noticed?
Shelly: Oh surely you jest, Coke. The masses aren’t smart enough to get what we’re doing, or even care. They just want to be spoon fed hate and fear. Remember how we controlled them after 9-11 with the color coded lights? Priceless. Now we have the best fear control of all time, terrorism. Never-ending war against shadows. As long as that S.O.B. president doesn’t somehow pull us out of the Mid-East we should be set for generations. It’s nice to think that our great-grandchildren will be provided for by the masses who we’ve convinced to vote against their own best interests with this past election. (laughs harder)
Coke: There is this one clown who nearly blew it. Some guy named Gruber. Remind me to tell our ops to start referring to him as “Goober.” (laughs)
Shelly: Yes, that fool came right out and said the voters were stupid! (laughs)
Coke: (laughing) Yes, tell us something we don’t know. (laughing harder)
Shelly: I’ll drink to that! (laughing)
Coke: Careful. Not too big a sip. That’s about 19,000 school lunches! (laughing his head off)
Shelly: Who cares? Now that we own the government we can afford it; not like we couldn’t afford it before. There’ll be more tax cuts for us and less help for the dolts. Life is good, Coke.
Coke: Oh yes it is. Gruber, or should I say “Goober,” was right. (big laughter)
